My previous job almost killed me
Not really, but damn it felt like it.
You don’t really notice how bad things are until you hit that point of no return, and then coming back feels like being reborn. I have been stuck in this new reality I accidentally (though, as Oogway would say from Kung Fu Panda, ‘there are no accidents’) created for myself, and it feels like it’s been forever. Stressed, constantly looking over my shoulder, never being able to be in the present because I need to be anticipating the next thing that’s going to happen.
I thought while I was working myself to death that I wanted a break. And so a break came and I was so fortunate, but still unhappy. I found my next job to bide me some more time while I waited for my boyfriend to graduate and my lease to FINALLY be up, and I was still unhappy. I took a much longer break, went on a roadtrip, visited some family, moved into my boyfriends family’s home, and the search for a job continues.
I am still, unhappy. I could talk on and on about how that job killed what spirit I had, how it tanked my self esteem and took every ounce of life, but I’ll save that for another time. No, something that weighs on me is the horrible fact that in my free time and after that entire year I am still stuck here trying to make my way in the world, through means of a job. I feel whiny, a job is simply the way of the world, and you know what I have no idea what I want to say anymore.
But why is it so difficult to be unemployed? Why is it so disheartening? Why for so many people is it so hard to just embrace this time in life when you don’t have to wake up, work a job that overworks and underpays you most of the time, and be a slave to the machine? Why is my self worth based off of whatever job I am working to tide me over until some other change in life?
Now, here I am revisiting this blog post. Hopefully starting my new job this week after leaving my previous wanna be job.
The feeling still stays, I feel like I am sitting here watching my life drift past me.
I know money is not the answer, but damn. Nowadays it does not even seem there is a question without it. It’s a means to an end, but the end to the means. Money makes the world go round. And maybe after this little hiatus I have taken from writing or even logging into any of my creative outlets it brings a new sense of air into my lungs. Money makes the world go round, but it is not what made the world beautiful.
I hope that even while I am working I am able to log on and manage this, because I would in fact like it to go somewhere. I want it, I am working for it. I do not want to be a slave to any machine, anyone or anything but myself.
When money makes the world go round, it is hard to belong to yourself. I feel that is where I have gone. From enjoying the bliss that was my undergrad life, to the bitter, sour, disgusting reality that is the real world, the transition has been rough. For some it is easier, like my boyfriend. Others, it is even harder than it has been for me.
I do not know what this year will be, but I hope that with this blog post I can race into the year on the right foot. Get ahead, and belong to myself as I brave everything ahead.
Love,
Liz.
