In 2019, I graduated high school. I was 17 and filled with this whimsy and curiosity that at times feels like I lost it somewhere along the way. I remember seeing my senior portrait displayed at my graduation. Right there on the screen it showed where I was planning on going to school with “Pre-Nursing” written right below it. I didn’t believe it when I looked up, and had I known what that feeling was, my life would be very different. But that was then, this is now.
Looking at the screen, I remember the image of my great-grandmother on my mom’s side. I pictured her in an old school nurses uniform, though I had never met her her legacy ran strong through my family. I felt as though I was more connected to her in a way because of my choice, and I had convinced myself it was the right choice for me.
August 2019 rolled in, I moved to away for college with family and had started my GE’s. Now, I had continued to convince myself that the lifestyle of a nurse had potential for me. I could become a travel nurse, make lots of money, see the world, and also settle down with a family whenever I was ready. I passed my GE’s, my first semester went well, and I discovered that I was good at statistics. Also that I hated public speaking. But what I was not aware of, was that the world was about to change completely. And that the extent of my STEM abilities began and ended with statistics.
When 2020 came to be, I remember being at my parents home. We heard on the news that there was a war somewhere out east. Bombs were being dropped and I was afraid for the future right then and there. Then came the alleged killer wasps or hornets, and then finally came the big one. I first read about COVID-19 in an article about a disease spreading in China. Me and my uncle’s were sat at dinner one night when my uncle said, to comfort us of course, that it would not reach us. It is laughable looking back on it, I was nervous, but I believed him. But we were all wrong.
March came around, I was taking a Bio and Organic chem class (rolled up into one section, can you imagine?) I was failing miserably, I did not understand it. For the first time since I decided that I wanted to be a nurse, I was questioning my decision. Feeling so stupid, I felt like I was failing myself and my family. So embarrassed and still I carry around that embarrassment with me to a degree. It was one class, right? It was not indicative of my skill or know-how. But I did not just neglect to pass the class. I failed, with a 33%.
Sitting there in the Zoom meeting with the professor in the background, I was baffled at my grade. I looked at it and immediately clicked off the page. I tried to laugh it off, I sent a video to my best friend showcasing my ‘pain’, but I did not want to laugh. I wanted to crawl into bed and just wait for the semester to be over completely. I felt like my life was over, and my best friend in all of her wonderful knowledge and wisdom assured me it was okay.
I did not believe her. It was terrifying thinking of telling my uncle’s. The look on their faces as I was squandering the opportunity they gave me. I wasted it on a stupid GE class. Moments like that make me wish I could go back to comfort that girl, shake her around a little bit and tell her that she would be okay. That her world was not falling apart. But for me, most things only work in extremes (which is NO way to live, mind you). And so, I failed the class, I told my uncle and he shrugged it off.
“Take it again,” he said. Or some unbothered version of that.
He might have been a bit disappointed, but he didn’t show it. He told me to take it at a community college so I get my credits or else it will show as a big fat “F” on my transcript forever. So, I did that. I enrolled at a community college, took the class again and embraced the idea that nursing was not for me, and oh boy, I have never looked back.
All this to say, failure is definitely an opportunity. It took me a long time to get to that point, I did not want to be okay with failing. It felt like I was rolling over and being okay with the fact that I was too stupid to pass a damn science class. I felt like I was disappointing everyone around me too, like they had this permanent expectation for me and what I would do or needed to do with my life.
With time, it got easier, especially as I found that I really did enjoy where I ended up. The good, the bad. Everything that has come my way was a result of failing that one class, and it led me here right now. Pursuing something I was too embarrassed to even talk about with my best friend. Failure can lead to some wonderful things, you just have to keep pushing.