I work 5 days out of the week, some days traffic is an hour and 15 minutes, some days its 30 minutes. The route is always almost the same, the destination is the same, and so is my attitude. I dislike my job. It passes the time, it pays my bills, but it wears me out mentally to a degree I had never imagined. I accepted my promotion because where else am I going to make money like this? But I also, realistically, cannot be unemployed. Now, this job is not the worst. For me, it is my current circumstances. The added stress onto my life, and so a stressful job, with a stressful living situation really takes a toll on a person. I am always on high alert, my guard is never let down, even on my days off I end up having to work to an extent (some days more than others). I found myself in a less than ideal living situation that just seems to get worse day by day, and it is out of my control because of my lease. All the perfect storm for anxiety ridden days, irritability, no sleep, constant stress.
However, I do not want to be a victim to my circumstances. I thought after college that life would get better, and though right now it seems dim, I am determined to improve my mental state and my life.
My boyfriend is a constant ray of sunshine. Happy, positive, supportive. A stark contrast to me: sad, stressed out, negative. And how depressing is that, when he tries to cheer me up most times I can’t help but feel like I am stuck at the bottom of a pit and he’s trying to give me a rope to get me out, and instead of grabbing the rope I dig the hole deeper.
This morning after I got to work he texted me a picture of blueberries he had dropped all over the floor. I responded saying something along the lines of being able to clean them and still use them and he responded saying “look at you, being so positive”. Rewarding and encouraging my behavior. Positive reinforcement for positivity. I looked at that, stunned. I had to reflect. He didn’t mean it badly whatsoever. He is the sweetest person I have ever known, it was mostly a reflection of me.
As I worked, I could not help but think, and think, and think. I didn’t feel bad but I definitely felt guilty about it. It made me pause at several times and think about my road rage and how it seemed like it might be wearing off on him, or how I can be rather negative. But in the grander scheme of things I had to really think about what kind of partner I wanted to be. And I realized that I have historically not been up to par with the type of woman I feel my man deserves. As someone who loves hard, is so caring and wonderful, I worry about the long term implications and what that could do to him. A positive and a negative make a negative. I refuse to be the negative to his positive. How miserable. Though I may be overstating my negativity, the feedback loop continues.
I have elected to make a change. Something I have wanted to do for a while, but sometimes without a catalyst it is hard to start. In this case my boyfriend, our future, his happiness, they act as my ‘why’. And I also don’t want to be negative and miserable forever. For me, of course.
Change is hard, and one thing about me is I am pretty resistant when it comes to changing my habits. I can deal with change, I will adjust pretty well eventually. But I get pretty stuck in my ways. It gets very disheartening when you believe that there is just something wrong with you. Having consistent problems with negative thinking, always reverting back to your routine thoughts. For me, I overthink. I ruminate, and I make up scenarios that will prepare me for the worst case scenario every time. This takes a lot of energy. I spend too much time being unhappy with my thought patterns and the thoughts I have.
So I have decided to start being more aware and actively shut down negative thoughts and reframe them. Or think something new completely. This past year has brought a lot of new people into my life. With new people comes new ideas and mind sets. It is very refreshing venting to a friend and having them tell you “who cares? That’s their problem not yours”. It serves as a gentle reminder that I do in fact think too much, all the time.
So now, I am committing to a new, better me. A fresh mindset, positive thinking, and a better outlook on life. I have more than enough reasons to feel blessed. These past couple years have introduced me to one of the tougher seasons of my life, but I know that it is preparing me for whatever is ahead, and I have already learned so much. I have seen a side to myself I did not know existed, grit, resilience, compassion, problem solving, and so many other things I am proud to be able to add to my tool box of skills.
This year has been tough but I have been blessed with abundant love and wonderful people all around me. The work for this new positive mindset started a few weeks ago, and I am already seeing the fruits of my labor, but now is when the accountability comes in. I want to start documenting it, because I suck at accountability, so this can act as a sort of journal. A timeline, I guess. My growth, my progress. Even if no one reads this, I can know that I am committing to myself and doing what I know is best for me. In posting this out there I am doing something I have wanted to do for so long, too.