You hear about it all the time. Someone in a relationship is unhappy because their partner is terrible to them. Selfish, non-committal, inconsiderate, not suitable for a relationship. I had always assumed I would have to experience this as have most of my peers. I looked at every guy as though they could destroy my entire life, but also romanticizing what could be. A vicious cycle, but one i was stuck in nonetheless.
In 2023 I had decided to be content with being single. Not entertaining anyone, focusing on myself and my degree.
I had always heard that love sneaks up on you when you least expect it, when you get past wanting it anymore. And that is sort of what happened for me. I had been to crushes. It was hard for me to go long periods without taking a liking to someone. Blushing or overthinking the way he said something. This time, it was different.
It started off small, I noticed him. We would study together, see each other in passing. He was friends with my friend. We started to be in the same proximity more and more. What started as nothing became something pretty fast. Much faster than I was letting on. I liked him, I wanted him to like me. I was trying, and I was doing things way out of my comfort zone or anything I had done before. And then, it just happened.
That seems like it was so long ago. But it is easy to separate time when someone has changed your life so dramatically. Meeting and knowing him has made me feel as though I had never experienced love before. It’s like I was waiting for this my entire life. It’s not like my life started when I met him or when we began dating. The rest of my life became much more clear once he was a part of it because I was looking for a critical part of it: him. I was looking and waiting for the person that would go through the rest of life with me.
It’s funny how so many people also have the inclination to self sabotage. Ruining a good thing while they have it. I waited for my man to reveal his true self. I waited for him to rear his teeth and prove to me that he was just like any man. Waiting for him to break my heart, let me know that I was getting exactly what I deserved. That never happened. If anything, I was the one not being a good partner. Letting that little voice in the back of my head scream louder than any sensible one. How could I deserve someone who had the capacity to be empathetic, loving. So caring, and always working to be better?
He showed me what love could be, what it is like to bare who you are to someone. To teach and learn, to be vulnerable, careful, doting. I had a strange approach to love and relationships. I always pictured my future marriage as being transactional. I raise the kids, take care of things at home, he brings home the bread. Something of a nuclear family. Where the wife is hoping her husband will die and leave everything to her so she can live out her days unbothered. Now, I can’t imagine myself being able to love anyone more than I love him. Kids included.
It was not long ago, but I look back on those times when I would glance at him and hope he was sneaking looks at me. When we would text for days on end just waiting for the opportunity to weasel in a suggestion for some one on one time. It amazes me at how far we have come in such a short amount of time. I am fortunate to be with someone who loves me, challenges me. Someone who I can love with an unwavering passion unlike anything I have ever felt.
There are many times nowadays that I wish I could change the way things were in the beginning. I know I was a difficult partner, that I did not make things easy for him. He continued to love me and be as good a partner as he could. Forever optimistic, always hysterical. The most endearing and charming person I have ever known. It is hard to choose only a few qualities to disclose when you are so lucky to have someone as wonderful as my man. And I refuse to be humble about that either.
I could only hope that everyone I care for would be as lucky as me. To have this drive, to be inspired, to want to work for something better for yourselves. For him and I. To love like this.
I do not know what I did to deserve this. I wake up and go to sleep every night of my life now thinking about how much I love that man.