Uncategorized

My previous job almost killed me  Not really, but damn it felt like it.  You don’t really notice how bad things are until you hit that point of no return, and then coming back feels like being reborn. I have been stuck in this new reality I accidentally (though, as Oogway would say from Kung Fu Panda, ‘there are no accidents’) created for myself, and it feels like it’s been forever. Stressed, constantly looking over my shoulder, never being able to be in the present because I need to be anticipating the next thing that’s going to happen.  I thought while I was working myself to death that I wanted a break. And so a break came and I was so fortunate, but still unhappy. I found my next job to bide me some more time while I waited for my boyfriend to graduate and my lease to FINALLY be up, and I was still unhappy. I took a much longer break, went on a roadtrip, visited some family, moved into my boyfriends family’s home, and the search for a job continues.  I am still, unhappy. I could talk on and on about how that job killed what spirit I had, how it tanked my self esteem and took every ounce of life, but I’ll save that for another time. No, something that weighs on me is the horrible fact that in my free time and after that entire year I am still stuck here trying to make my way in the world, through means of a job. I feel whiny, a job is simply the way of the world, and you know what I have no idea what I want to say anymore.  But why is it so difficult to be unemployed? Why is it so disheartening? Why for so many people is it so hard to just embrace this time in life when you don’t have to wake up, work a job that overworks and underpays you most of the time, and be a slave to the machine? Why is my self worth based off of whatever job I am working to tide me over until some other change in life?  Now, here I am revisiting this blog post. Hopefully starting my new job this week after leaving my previous wanna be job.  The feeling still stays, I feel like I am sitting here watching my life drift past me.  I know money is not the answer, but damn. Nowadays it does not even seem there is a question without it. It’s a means to an end, but the end to the means. Money makes the world go round. And maybe after this little hiatus I have taken from writing or even logging into any of my creative outlets it brings a new sense of air into my lungs. Money makes the world go round, but it is not what made the world beautiful.  I hope that even while I am working I am able to log on and manage this, because I would in fact like it to go somewhere. I want it, I am working for it. I do not want to be a slave to any machine, anyone or anything but myself.  When money makes the world go round, it is hard to belong to yourself. I feel that is where I have gone. From enjoying the bliss that was my undergrad life, to the bitter, sour, disgusting reality that is the real world, the transition has been rough. For some it is easier, like my boyfriend. Others, it is even harder than it has been for me.  I do not know what this year will be, but I hope that with this blog post I can race into the year on the right foot. Get ahead, and belong to myself as I brave everything ahead.  Love,  Liz. 

Stop right there! YOU! Yes, you. Delete those mood boards!!!!  I know, I know. Abrasive, abrupt. Who am I to tell you what to do. Right? I get it.  Just hear me out with this one. I was scrolling through my Pinterest page and my saved and private boards, I was trying to find some writing prompts to really get those juices flowing and I kept seeing the same pins saved. The same questions and ideas. ’20 Prompts to Find Your Inner Child’, ‘Journal Prompts to Get to Know Yourself’. So many things saved, and forgotten. I had intended to use them, to reference them, I had made my mood boards to motivate me towards my dreams and aspirations but never really looked through them.  It hit me today, They are really just a crutch, just there to fein progress and inspiration. They serve a superficial purpose and spending any time putting them together is time wasted. When I can be putting the work in myself.  Assuming these things were going to fix me was holding me back. Or, at least not propelling me forward. Let’s be honest, if my Pinterest Boards were holding me back then that would simply be a serious skill issue. I realized though, saving these posts, these pictures, they were only a comparison and it was me living vicariously through Pinterest.   Now, obviously, or maybe not if you do not have media literacy, everything needs to be taken with a grain of salt. What I think, can’t and won’t apply to everyone. Some people love their Pinterest boards and do use them. (Yippee for you!) But I found for me personally, I was spending all this time saving pins, creating this idealized version of myself on the internet through boards that were private. I was creating a version of myself that would not exist outside of my Pinterest. Why am I unhappy? Why are my goals and ambitions not being realized? Because that effort. is being put into and realized through my boards.  It’s like a weird pseudo-reality, it makes you feel like you have accomplished something, when in reality all you have curated is an idea. It’s a strange dynamic. You want to visualize, you want to believe that these boards mean something or that they will help you accomplish something when the truth is they could be the exact thing holding you back. From what I have seen and read, your brain has a difficult time deciphering real information from false information. Talking badly about yourself, imagining yourself accomplishing something spectacular, imagining all these terrible scenarios happening to you, your brain will likely not know what is real and not. So why is it so hard to believe that using these boards, getting that dopamine rush from creating an aesthetically pleasing board, and satisfying that need to DO something won’t do the exact same thing?  I argue that it does. Now, don’t get me wrong. I still have and use Pinterest, I save inspiration, have boards for future use, but I try not to spend all my time trying to live a life through those boards. You might think to yourself, ‘well who the f%^k does that?” ME. OBVIOUSLY. I doubt I’m alone. Pinterest is hugely successful and is continuously venturing out to new avenues. I can see its success growing as it does, and reaching new audiences. I would implore people to not use it as a crutch, however. You have SO much life to live, and you can only experience so much through your phone. And this applies to other things as well, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook (am I missing anything else? LOL I never know), they only show glimpses into people’s lives and can make people feel unfulfilled, dissatisfied, and unhappy. There is much more than meets the eye.  I am not innocent, I spend too much time on my phone, so maybe this is strictly a call out to myself. Whatever. It’s something I am working on, I swear.  It is so important to remember to live your life. And something I forget. Like a lot. Here I am waiting for my job to officially start and I have barely left my house except to go to the gym and the store. Yes, I am becoming more socially anxious, and yes I am working on it.  During this time, I am trying to be more aware of the pitfalls that await longing and comparison. All this free time and boredom. Keeping myself in check. It is good to do so.  Now, if you don’t mind me I will now edit and create a Pinterest pin or two to post this on Pinterest. Perhaps a little hypocritical, but hey. All the best main characters are a little flawed.