A New Outlook

“How do you build confidence?” “How can I be more confident?” “How to fix low self esteem” “How to…” “How to…..” I’m sure many people have found themselves searching for these answers. Can’t help it, but I look into it now and again. Whenever I feel that mask is faltering and I need to pick myself up again. Like strangers on the internet can tell me how to make my life better by reading a million and one books. I have read them. ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F$ck’, ‘Atomic Habits’. Been there done that. Honestly, I would recommend them. However, it still feels like there is something. Something missing. And there is. These people who write these books, these posts, make videos about it, they all have truly valuable information. But the hard truth is, you already know everything they are going to say. You need to take better care of yourself. Mind, body, and soul. Clean your room. Exercise. Eat healthy. Go outside. Make friends. Go shopping. Learn about yourself. Read, write, clean, self care. The list is never ending.  You might find yourself thinking, okay, but how does that help? How do I start? Where Do You Start? You’re there, you’re ready to change, but how do you do it?  It seems so simple, you read these articles and tell yourself, ‘Okay. I will change tomorrow.’ But tomorrow rarely comes, right?  Change comes when you understand what confidence is. How can we define it? Confidence can be defined as such: “the belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust.” This is just the first thing that comes up when you search confidence. But what is it? I once saw someone describe self confidence as the trust in yourself you have that you will keep your promises. For yourself.  That perspective has completely changed my view on it and myself. I have always struggled with my self esteem and confidence, often feeling like it is just something I don’t or can’t have. But looking deeper I, and I’m sure other’s, can come to the conclusion that my lack of confidence is just distrust in myself that I am actually going to keep the promises I make to myself.  Can you trust yourself? What promises have you made and not followed through on? It is normal and okay to have examples, things you haven’t followed through on. Everyone does.  Be Honest With Yourself Take a moment and reflect, I will do the same. Be honest and think about the things you have decided to do for yourself, and not taken action on. This is not the time to feel shame or embarrassed about it. If you cannot face the truth then you cannot expect change to take place. Thinking back to times that you maybe decided to go out to eat alone, read that book, go to the gym, go for a walk, make changes to your diet, the list and possibilities for change are endless.  Any one of these instances are perfect examples of times you might have decided to change, but maybe never followed through. I don’t care about your reasoning, and neither should you. Move on, give yourself grace, and allow yourself to learn from your past decisions.  By being honest with yourself, you can see what you want in life. Maybe you want to eat healthier, make a new friend, go back to school, or start a blog. I have long struggled with making decisions for myself, afraid of the shame I would face if I failed. But I found that I felt more shame in never trying, and this took a great toll on my confidence. Making decisions for other people; what would they think? I don’t know enough, I am afraid, etc. But these did not serve me, they have only hindered me.  Letting go of these limiting beliefs came with forcing myself to follow through, but in following through, letting go of these beliefs got easier.  It is not easy for many people to take initiative, that esteemed writer you love had to work hard and fail many times, but they did it. They may not have believed in themselves at times, but they still followed through because they wanted it enough and they believed in what they were doing. Hard things are worth doing, even if they do not lead you exactly where you want to be.  Try, Fail, and Try Again Going into blogging and writing, I was so nervous. In the past 6 months or so I am not even sure if I have gotten views from actual people. But there is one thing I know for sure. I followed through with what I wanted to do. One of the few times in my life I have done what I wanted to do, for me. Am I afraid to fail? Sure, but what does trying say about my character, that not taking action doesn’t? Trying says I follow through with what I want, trying says I trust in myself to make decisions, to try, and to get up again and again when I fail. That I am not afraid to fail. I started this blog selfishly. I wanted to start writing. I have been learning and designing it for me. I will be just fine regardless of whether or not anyone reads this, other than my boyfriend.  I do it anyways, because that was what I told myself I was going to do.  So, if there is anyone reading this out there and has stuck with my amateur writing, I would encourage you to try something new. Or even better, revisit something you had once decided to do or something you are passionate about.  What is something you have wanted for yourself? Try it, and start small. If you want to write, brain storm ideas, then practice writing. If you want to eat healthier, begin researching nutrition, if you want more exercise, go on

I work 5 days out of the week, some days traffic is an hour and 15 minutes, some days its 30 minutes. The route is always almost the same, the destination is the same, and so is my attitude. I dislike my job. It passes the time, it pays my bills, but it wears me out mentally to a degree I had never imagined. I accepted my promotion because where else am I going to make money like this? But I also, realistically, cannot be unemployed. Now, this job is not the worst. For me, it is my current circumstances. The added stress onto my life, and so a stressful job, with a stressful living situation really takes a toll on a person. I am always on high alert, my guard is never let down, even on my days off I end up having to work to an extent (some days more than others). I found myself in a less than ideal living situation that just seems to get worse day by day, and it is out of my control because of my lease. All the perfect storm for anxiety ridden days, irritability, no sleep, constant stress.  However, I do not want to be a victim to my circumstances. I thought after college that life would get better, and though right now it seems dim, I am determined to improve my mental state and my life.  My boyfriend is a constant ray of sunshine. Happy, positive, supportive. A stark contrast to me: sad, stressed out, negative. And how depressing is that, when he tries to cheer me up most times I can’t help but feel like I am stuck at the bottom of a pit and he’s trying to give me a rope to get me out, and instead of grabbing the rope I dig the hole deeper.  This morning after I got to work he texted me a picture of blueberries he had dropped all over the floor. I responded saying something along the lines of being able to clean them and still use them and he responded saying “look at you, being so positive”. Rewarding and encouraging my behavior. Positive reinforcement for positivity. I looked at that, stunned. I had to reflect. He didn’t mean it badly whatsoever. He is the sweetest person I have ever known, it was mostly a reflection of me.  As I worked, I could not help but think, and think, and think. I didn’t feel bad but I definitely felt guilty about it. It made me pause at several times and think about my road rage and how it seemed like it might be wearing off on him, or how I can be rather negative. But in the grander scheme of things I had to really think about what kind of partner I wanted to be. And I realized that I have historically not been up to par with the type of woman I feel my man deserves. As someone who loves hard, is so caring and wonderful, I worry about the long term implications and what that could do to him. A positive and a negative make a negative. I refuse to be the negative to his positive. How miserable. Though I may be overstating my negativity, the feedback loop continues.  I have elected to make a change. Something I have wanted to do for a while, but sometimes without a catalyst it is hard to start. In this case my boyfriend, our future, his happiness, they act as my ‘why’. And I also don’t want to be negative and miserable forever. For me, of course.  Change is hard, and one thing about me is I am pretty resistant when it comes to changing my habits. I can deal with change, I will adjust pretty well eventually. But I get pretty stuck in my ways. It gets very disheartening when you believe that there is just something wrong with you. Having consistent problems with negative thinking, always reverting back to your routine thoughts. For me, I overthink. I ruminate, and I make up scenarios that will prepare me for the worst case scenario every time. This takes a lot of energy. I spend too much time being unhappy with my thought patterns and the thoughts I have.   So I have decided to start being more aware and actively shut down negative thoughts and reframe them. Or think something new completely. This past year has brought a lot of new people into my life. With new people comes new ideas and mind sets. It is very refreshing venting to a friend and having them tell you “who cares? That’s their problem not yours”. It serves as a gentle reminder that I do in fact think too much, all the time.  So now, I am committing to a new, better me. A fresh mindset, positive thinking, and a better outlook on life. I have more than enough reasons to feel blessed. These past couple years have introduced me to one of the tougher seasons of my life, but I know that it is preparing me for whatever is ahead, and I have already learned so much. I have seen a side to myself I did not know existed, grit, resilience, compassion, problem solving, and so many other things I am proud to be able to add to my tool box of skills.  This year has been tough but I have been blessed with abundant love and wonderful people all around me. The work for this new positive mindset started a few weeks ago, and I am already seeing the fruits of my labor, but now is when the accountability comes in. I want to start documenting it, because I suck at accountability, so this can act as a sort of journal. A timeline, I guess. My growth, my progress. Even if no one reads this, I can know that I am committing to myself and doing what I know is best for me. In posting this